Go your own way

Hey, remember the people we used to be, how we were each other’s best friend, how I promised to love you even if you would be jobless, when you thought I was the love of your life and you said you could see us starting a family together? It’s all over now. Life is hardly what we planned out. You surrounded yourself with the wrong crowd and became the man, whom, deep down, you couldn’t be proud of. I, too, also made mistakes that I would always regret. We were wounded together, we fought to keep this relationship, just not at the same time. 

Even though I might never be able to comprehend how you could hurt me in such a way, I’m done grieving, because it doesn’t do me any good. I was a wreck after our breakup, but I decided that there’s one thing I hate more than you hurting me: it’s me, hurting myself and being pitied by everyone. There was a time when I can’t fall asleep without crying until I was exhausted, but now my tears are dry. I can’t remember the last time I cried to sleep, although it wasn’t even that long ago. It’s just that I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself anymore. I also acknowledge that more than half of the people around me are being nice and taking my side not because they unconditionally love me, but I will not push them away and become a hermit crab.

It would be so much easier for me to hate you, and I know I have every reason to do so, but I can’t, because my heart isn’t designed to hate someone I used to love too much. It would be so much easier to forget you, but I can’t, because contrary to what everyone around me advises, I never thought loving you or anyone I’ve ever loved was a mistake. I know it’s easier for you to hate me, avoid me, hurt me, and forget me, because you are hurt too, even when you tried not to show it. And since it’s easier for you, you can go your own way. I’m bound to get bumped and bruised in my life anyway, because I know I can take all of this and grow stronger. I’ll love myself however I want to be loved, and I’ll care for people who care about me, without hurting anyone. I’ll find a way to sleep under the stars again. I’ll stop being the ghost of the bright-eyed girl I used to be. And I will never, ever become the kind of person I hate.