I’m glad we broke each other’s heart

Months ago, I overloaded the old bookshelf that my good bro gave me. That old things broke down into pieces, but I was too lazy to clean it up. After all, all my college texts, notes, important documents, and a zillion other little things were buried in there. It’s the first day of Spring semester today and I need a bookshelf for my new textbooks, binders, and notes, so I reluctantly put it up again, hoping it will last this time. And as I went through my books, I came across your letter. I’m glad I did open it. I’m glad I never read it again. I’m glad we broke each other’s heart.

When I first got your letter, I sat on the steps and cried as I read it. And then I knew. I knew after that we could always blame the fools around us, but it was really us. It was really me. We treasured each other so much, we saw each other so clearly that we know what the other person would do, and yet our idea of happiness was not the same. I knew what you had done for love, and still, I tore your heart apart. I loved you too much to keep your hopeless dreams. I’m glad I gave you up.

When I left, I didn’t take your letter with me because I was afraid it would recall how real a thing called Love was. And yet I was trapped. I thought of you when I wandered alone in the woods, when I was floating along the river, when I was on the train or in a flight. I cried when I saw the street lights at night. It wasn’t easy to erase that much memories. But I’m glad I did.

When I came back, there was a growing distance between us. It’s so awkward acting like old friends that I wondered who was more cruel between the two of us. It hurt too. But I must admit, that was what I hoped you would be. You will never stray too far from where you go as long as I’m not there anymore. She was right to be cautious of me, even though I looked down at her for that. After all, more than once I distracted you. And too often I stirred a feeling in your heart. I’m glad we kept a distance from each other.

I took your letter with me when I left again, thinking that was the end. I can only treasure a love from the past this way. I’m glad you were not there to heal my broken heart this time: I healed on my own. It’s hard to say I still love you, I’m afraid, but it’s impossible to say I don’t. Sometimes I asked myself some silly questions until I won’t be scare of being true to myself anymore.

And maybe, because a part of me still loves you, I found your letter and did not open it. I kept it like I would do to the memories we shared. I put it away again because now I love someone else too much to hurt him, and I hope you are in love with a girl that you would rather losing me a hundred times than making her cry. I’m glad we broke each other’s heart.


Are we meant to be at all?

Once in a while, we find ourselves in the middle of a crossroad, asking ourselves that kind of questions.

When I told my friend/listener that, he laughed his head off and accused Virgo women of being the only creatures to ask themselves that shit..

Honestly, I’m probably putting my relationship through a hard time. You know what you always hope to find in love. You always hope to find someone who puts you first, so just like that, you love him without holding back. It’s not like two people having to give up certain things for each other, it’s more like you love someone enough to do what is the best for him, not for you. That’s my ideology of meant-to-be.

However, I gave it up a long, long time ago because of a Sagittaurius. Things didn’t work out between us because at the same time, what we were determined to be the best for each other conflicted, and he lost. I never failed at doing what is the best for him, even if it were giving him up.

It took time to get over that guy who used to be my best friend. What is the point of winning  the game of breaking your heart for someone you can’t be with? Lovers still get by without thinking about how long it will last. That’s why too often I told myself to forget the notion of mean-to-be in my mind. I put myself first and accept the fact that no one will love me more than themselves.

But still, it breaks my heart whenever he pushes me towards someone else. Who the hell wants another guy to be there for the girl he loves?

And why the hell did I fall for him, just another one among all those guys who care about themselves more than anyone else?